Ms Willow says…
It was a Monday. I don’t remember the date though. After years of fighting to get an answer that made sense, of looking for the right psychologist, the right medication, it all came down to a diagnosis that made perfect and logical sense. In fact, I wasn’t even surprised by it. This is ok, I thought to myself. So I did what I normally do and looked for as much information on Asperger’s as I could. I looked up support pages, formal research, community support, family support…and it what I read had me break into pieces.
“Aspie men will never truly show you love”
“They won’t be caring or compassionate”
“You will always be hurt and disappointed”
“Understand that you will basically have a dependent on your hands”
“You will be lonely”
Suffice to say, reading that was not at all an exercise in information gathering – all it did was scare the shit out of me. I drove home in tears. While I was relieved that there was now an explanation, I felt so overwhelmingly angry. There was a sense of grief and loss that is still very hard to explain, except to say that after being bombarded with so much negative doom and gloom, all I could think of was what I won’t get to experience.
Will I have a husband who can’t or won’t show his love or care? Could I live my life without having a healthy and thriving intimate life? Would I have to shoulder all the responsibility and emotional burden? Yeah, I was angry. I was angry and hurting and to be brutally honest, I just wanted to lash out. I was that stressed out that I started having anxiety attacks.
I am well aware that there will be some who think ‘oh harden the fuck up’. Just keep in mind that in a relationship, what happens to one impacts on ALL.
(Side note – I really wish the caring professions took that into account more. Families hurt and often break because they are not supported in stuff like this)
I don’t really remember much of the rest of that week. I know I stood down from some uni commitments. Until I got a handle on my own feelings, I was no damn good to anybody else. It think it was hard for Mr Oak to see my distress. I wanted him to say it would all be good, a bit of reassurance. The more upset I got, the more he shut down. The more he shut down, the more upset I got. Yeah. Proper shit week that. I hated the situation, I hated how I was feeling about it, was beating up on myself for hating and resenting it. Everything I had read led me to believe that only misery, isolation and loneliness awaited me.
It has been about a month since finding out. Time to stop and breathe. There has been a lot of thinking, a lot of researching and reflection. Yesterday it kind of clicked for me. Why the hell do we have to do this their way? We have ten years of being together and working together. Who says we can’t learn new things? Why do we have to fall into some neat psychological pigeon hole?
Screw that. Screw the naysayers. Let’s find what works for us – just like we have with any other challenge that has come our way. There has been more inbetween, but that is for another post.
Making It Work – An AS/NT Love Story
There is a lot of negativity surrounding relationships with those who have Asperger's. We wanted to offer an alternative perspective and show that it can work and you can have a meaningful and fulfiling relationship – if you are willing to put in the effort. Just like any other relationship really. In this blog we will be sharing our ups and downs, and what has and hasn't worked for us. Going by the book didn't suit us, so we decided to write our own on our terms.
